According to the National DEC (National Alliance for Drug-Endangered Children), “1 in 8 children live in households with at least one parent who has a substance use disorder.” Substance use by a parent can put children at risk of physical or emotional harm, and it makes it difficult for the parent to provide a safe and nurturing environment.
If you’re a parent suffering from an addiction to alcohol or drugs, you may be doing your best to hide your substance use from your children. Or maybe you’re the partner of an addicted parent and trying to hide your partner’s dysfunction from the children. Whatever your situation, it’s likely that your children already sense something is wrong. Addiction is a family disease, and children may react to the situation by developing mental or behavioral health issues, such as anxiety, depression, or hyperactivity. They may have problems in school, in relationships, and with their physical health.
So is it too late? Has your addiction doomed your children to a difficult life? Here’s the good news: healing and recovery are possible not just for you, but for the whole family. You’ve already made the brave choice to enter addiction treatment. Getting sober and taking the time to examine the roots of your addiction and address co-occurring mental health issues is the best gift you can give your children. But how do you explain that to them? How can you help them understand that leaving them in the care of a co-parent or a guardian for a month or more is the best path for them and for you?
Start with the W’s
What, who, why, where, and when–knowing these “w’s” will give your children a sense of security as they prepare for your extended absence. (Note: It’s quite possible that the parent in active addiction will not be in a position to talk with the children in any coherent or reasonable way before they go to treatment. In that case, another parent or caregiver can talk with the children, and the parent in treatment can provide more detail and reassurance once they are able to do so.)
What: Explain what drug rehab is. You’ll stay at the facility for 30+ days, during which time you’ll stop drinking and/or using drugs and do various activities that will help you learn how to stay sober.
Who: You’ll work with doctors, nurses, and therapists, all of whom will help you get better. You’ll be with other people just like you, who have a problem drinking too much alcohol or using too many drugs, and you will all help each other learn how to be healthier.
Why: Explain that you’re sick and that you need to go to treatment to get better. If your children are old enough to understand that you’ve been overusing substances, you can add some more detail to your explanation. Explain that using alcohol and drugs changes the way your brain works, making it very hard to stop using them without professional help.
Where: Explain where you will be, how far away it is, and what the facility will be like. Show pictures of the facility and campus, if possible.
When: Tell your children when you’re leaving and when you plan to be home again. If you’re going to miss anything, like birthdays or soccer games or a holiday, be clear about what you’ll miss.
In addition to the W’s, explain to your children how you will communicate with them and how they can communicate with you. For example, you’ll probably be able to talk with them on the phone once a week, and you may be able to see them at family visitation times. While you’ll have only limited access to your phone, your children can still send you texts. They can also write letters to you or send you their artwork.
Don’t Forget the W’s Relating to Your Kids
If your children will not stay at home when you are in treatment, explain the “w’s”: who will they stay with, where will they stay, what can they take with them (if they’re staying away from home). Throw in a couple of “h’s” too: how will they get to school and/or other activities, how long will this temporary situation last, how can they help you.
Knowing these answers may not alleviate all of your children’s concerns, but it will help. The bottom line is that they need to understand that they will be safe, comfortable, and cared for while you’re away. They need to have regular contact with you and with the people in their lives who love them.
Answer Their Questions
Your children will probably have questions. Be patient with their questions and offer reassurance and honesty. You can also anticipate questions they might be afraid to ask and, again, offer comfort. The Sesame Workshop, a “global impact nonprofit organization with a mission to help children everywhere grow smarter, stronger, and kinder,” offers some excellent scripts for answering young children’s questions about addiction. We summarize their advice below:
- What is addiction?
Addiction makes a person feel like they have to drink alcohol or take drugs to feel okay. But alcohol and drugs hurt the body. Your mom/dad knows they can’t stop using alcohol and drugs on their own, so they are getting help from doctors and nurses.
- Why is mom/dad acting so strangely?
Drugs and alcohol make a person act differently than they usually do. Your mom/dad may say mean things, break promises, ignore you, leave the house for a long time without saying why, or sleep a lot.
- Is it my fault?
No. Your mom/dad does not drink or use drugs because of you, and it’s not your job to fix it.
- Can he/she get better?
Yes. Your mom/dad can stop drinking or taking drugs, and that will help them feel better. But they will also need to learn how to take better care of themselves and talk about their feelings. And they need to spend time with other people who help them stay healthy and make good choices.
- Don’t they love me more than drugs or alcohol? Why can’t they just stop?
Your mom/dad loves you very much, but they don’t know how to show it right now because alcohol and drugs are making their brain sick. If they stop using alcohol and drugs without a doctor’s help, they could get very, very sick. When they come home from treatment, they’ll be better at showing you how much they love you.
Communicate and Ask for Help
Being a parent is never easy, even when addiction isn’t involved. Addiction made it hard for you to connect with your children, but it’s never too late to start over. You’re already making a smart parenting decision by choosing to go to treatment. As you begin your recovery journey, talk to your children, do your best, and be patient with yourself. If you are ready to begin your recovery journey or return to the path after a relapse, contact our team at Northern Path Recovery Center in Fort Wayne, IN. We can help.
